How one run changed my life – part 1

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The truth is I am not the woman I was 5-6 years ago. I don’t even recognise that woman any more!

She thought she had figured everything out in her future life. All her disappointments, heart aches and early life feelings of not belonging were meant to be swept away and replaced with security, love and belonging. I talk in past tense because it is like a ghost, this is haunting me now.

Everything was heading in a direction of  destruction and lessons that would be a test of every aspect of my life.
The title is correct, one run run did ‘instantly’ change my life.  But the anatomy of dis-ease is comprised of a life time of circumstances in my environment, and possibly even triggered from lives before this.

Who was I then?

I was the fittest I had every looked and been in my entire life and 31 years old. I was strong and adventurous, couldn’t sit still. I ran 10 kilometres (6.25 miles) regularly, did martial arts, walked, did yoga and boxing. I weighed a healthy 72 kgs (158 pounds) for my 6’1 frame. I had a good job, was married, lived in a nice place by the beach and adored two cats who were like my babies.

ledge

But… there were cracks

I was missing something in my life, my now ex husband rarely saw me, I was suffering severe panic attacks and anxiety through bullying at work, I punished myself through exercise and I didn’t nurture my heart and soul. I felt trapped and lost. Deep down I felt I had left a part of me locked away and I was convincing myself this was how things were supposed to me. The thing was I was living his life not mine. My dream in life has never been focused on the physical or the money. It was about shared experiences embraced with my love, and feeling free to be the person I was.

I still didn’t know it would get worse…

Illness began to manifest….

I began to get severe back pains running, and excruciating calf muscle cramps every night. There was something happening in my body but no one knew what. Then one winter afternoon as I always did, I put my sneakers on and walked to the oval to go for a much anticipated run. I took off and then my right foot gave away, no pain, just a limp at the ankle and unresponsive – it just wouldn’t work and I couldn’t stand up on my toes.I felt quietly scared, and this just amplified when I got referred to doctors, specialists and every other type of therapy in between with no results – this would continue until today. My husband dismissed my fears and eventually  gave up on me.  Facebook publicly told me my marriage was over and he replaced me with someone he could live his dream life with. I look back and realise now, he would never have handled what I have become now and I could not offer anything. I began to wonder if any one would be willing to pick me up, dust me off and help me put myself back together, and love me again.

I spiralled into an abyss of an uncertain future…

I lost the strength I felt I had. I lost independence, security, love and a life, even though not perfect, I lost the chance to change course whilst I was healthy.I even nearly died one night, I punished myself for everything and slept in a makeshift bed in a room of the house and cried myself to sleep. I had the door closed and candle burning. I woke to alarms (thankfully) and the room full of smoke. There was soot on the walls and carpet, around my nose, mouth and eyes. I was alone.

To see through these eyes and heart in life now is so different, and I have been grieving for a long time.  Sometimes we have to lose everything in order to face what we really want in life.

to be continued…

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9 responses »

  1. My beautiful Njari, I miss you so much. Since you passed away things got ugly NOT BY US but your husband of 6 mtha Jason Milford. We we’re kept away by him. He controlled your phone computer as you weren’t able to. When you passed we we’re led to believe palliative care we’re with you. We found out by Cheryl who made a statement to police to affect that Jason took it into his hands to assist you to pass. I can understand you wanting to go but in a comfortable way. Anyway Cheryl retracted her statement. So Jason walks free. I say free of that but surely GUILT would get to him. NO HES ON TINDER… What a lack of respect to all of us here in Perth. He also had you cremated first up next. Morning before we knew what had happened. He didn’t even stay with you for that. He removed you from crematory container and put you in a plastic bag DISGUSTING PIG!! He then came to Perth to apparantly talk of a service he was rude awful and distressed us. Your dad. Your sis and me your mum. WHY WE DONT KNOW. He showed no sorrow. Oh and to ALL THOSE WHO SAID HE HAD BAD TIME… HE CHOSE TO MOVE YOU AWAY against all advice. I cared for you for 7 Plus years and was in for the long haul. I’m your mum. No one in their right mind would move someones loved one who was dying all that way UNLESS THEY WERE CONTROLLING CRUEL or another agenda MONEY. MY darling daughter you never knew Jason filtered akk funds out in large amounts before you made the simple will. You AKSO NEVER GOT YOUR WISHES WITH YOUR ASHES TO BE SPREAD BEHIND HORSEBACK with all Family friends etc WHY.? Because Jason hasn’t bothered talking to us and instead disgustingly handed your sister 3 POSTAGE ENVELOPES with part of you in them then he left. We we’re sad sick and disgusted. . He made it clear he wanted to not see any of our family after all .I was right be was after the money. AFTER ALL HE PERSONALLY SIGNED OFF ON IN YOUR DEPT WHEN YOU WORKED. Lo and behold two days later he claims to be your soul mate.. I never wanted to deny you love… But his was based on greed. Shame on you Jason Milford. I hope to God you don’t find ANOTHER DYING SOUL MATE… We never knew he’d only seperated . from his ex six mths when he latched onto you IM SORRY I COULDN’T PROTECT YOU MIRE. I FEEL I LET YOU DOWN… I LOVE YOU beautiful daughter. RIP.. JULY 28TH 2016….TIME OF DEATH UNKNOWN…. SAD SAD SAD

  2. Pingback: How one run changed my life – part 2 | Confessions of a Clairsentient

  3. Dear Njari,

    I believe many people go through the difficulties you describe. Perhaps these events are little/big tests and adventures for the soul, with each one experienced we learn more about wisdom, compassion, and love. Sometimes a passage of time is filled with happiness and ease, others are filled with the terrors and pleasures of enduring a rough storm. Be grateful for it all, being born human is a precious and rare gift 🙂

    • Dear James
      Thank you for your beautiful words, we are beautiful messes contained in a precious vehicle on this planet. The gift is, as you cite, the wisdom and love that endures through the seasons of life. The blessings are often more appreciated when you peel back the difficulties 🙂

  4. Dear, dearest Njari, i must react, you know! I must admit, i could have been your now ex husband, thinking health & wealth & ‘success’ are the important things in life. Without going through the ordeal you went through, or any ordeal whatsoever, i know this now too! Having ‘met’ you has made me even more aware of this! The spiritual and emotional ‘wealth’ you have is enormous, and that you have chosen to share these with us is wonderful! Indeed ‘glimpses of life captured through the lens of the heart’, showing a beautiful heart and a precious life! Be loved, feel love, because you give it, show it, live it. Thanks so much! Except these musings from far away, yet so close! Much love, xxx Jeroen

    • Dear Jeroen, I know you understand the struggles of light and darkness. Until we crack, we don’t know what we are made of! I really am humbled by your comments :). Thank you for the love from a far and near 🙂 and I am glad that you can decipher the feelings I convey xxx

  5. what a lovely story….. I look forward to the second half… 🙂
    I can relate, as I am not the same person I was 3 or 4 years ago. After a severe bout of full body psoriasis in 2010, along with the deaths of 3 people close to me at the exact same time… add on another challenge last year and this year… and I am completely different. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally….. 360 degree turn. The universe works in mysterious ways………….

    • Thank you Claire :), we would certainly not be the same tapestry of being if we did not go through these experiences. All of which bring us back to who we really are :). I will write more soon, when the time is right. Love and Blessings to you

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