The truth is I am not the woman I was 5-6 years ago. I don’t even recognise that woman any more!
She thought she had figured everything out in her future life. All her disappointments, heart aches and early life feelings of not belonging were meant to be swept away and replaced with security, love and belonging. I talk in past tense because it is like a ghost, this is haunting me now.
Everything was heading in a direction of destruction and lessons that would be a test of every aspect of my life.
The title is correct, one run run did ‘instantly’ change my life. But the anatomy of dis-ease is comprised of a life time of circumstances in my environment, and possibly even triggered from lives before this.
Who was I then?
I was the fittest I had every looked and been in my entire life and 31 years old. I was strong and adventurous, couldn’t sit still. I ran 10 kilometres (6.25 miles) regularly, did martial arts, walked, did yoga and boxing. I weighed a healthy 72 kgs (158 pounds) for my 6’1 frame. I had a good job, was married, lived in a nice place by the beach and adored two cats who were like my babies.
But… there were cracks
I was missing something in my life, my now ex husband rarely saw me, I was suffering severe panic attacks and anxiety through bullying at work, I punished myself through exercise and I didn’t nurture my heart and soul. I felt trapped and lost. Deep down I felt I had left a part of me locked away and I was convincing myself this was how things were supposed to me. The thing was I was living his life not mine. My dream in life has never been focused on the physical or the money. It was about shared experiences embraced with my love, and feeling free to be the person I was.
I still didn’t know it would get worse…
Illness began to manifest….
I began to get severe back pains running, and excruciating calf muscle cramps every night. There was something happening in my body but no one knew what. Then one winter afternoon as I always did, I put my sneakers on and walked to the oval to go for a much anticipated run. I took off and then my right foot gave away, no pain, just a limp at the ankle and unresponsive – it just wouldn’t work and I couldn’t stand up on my toes.I felt quietly scared, and this just amplified when I got referred to doctors, specialists and every other type of therapy in between with no results – this would continue until today. My husband dismissed my fears and eventually gave up on me. Facebook publicly told me my marriage was over and he replaced me with someone he could live his dream life with. I look back and realise now, he would never have handled what I have become now and I could not offer anything. I began to wonder if any one would be willing to pick me up, dust me off and help me put myself back together, and love me again.
I spiralled into an abyss of an uncertain future…
I lost the strength I felt I had. I lost independence, security, love and a life, even though not perfect, I lost the chance to change course whilst I was healthy.I even nearly died one night, I punished myself for everything and slept in a makeshift bed in a room of the house and cried myself to sleep. I had the door closed and candle burning. I woke to alarms (thankfully) and the room full of smoke. There was soot on the walls and carpet, around my nose, mouth and eyes. I was alone.
To see through these eyes and heart in life now is so different, and I have been grieving for a long time. Sometimes we have to lose everything in order to face what we really want in life.
to be continued…